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Be Kind (and have more sex)

I think it’s fair to say that many of us like sex. I reckon it’s in the top 3 things that people love to do with their partner. So why is it so hard to wake up and realize the golden formula:

Showing kindness = more sex

It’s as simple as that (mostly)! And I’m not the only one to think so.

Back in 2011 after the awful NZ earthquake, it was noted by a Christchurch sex therapist and counsellor Helen Mounsey, that she was seeing many clients who have lost their sex drive, or had a low libido lowered further, after the traumatic series of events since September.

Ms Mounsey said one of the simplest ways people could improve things was by acts of kindness.

“Kindness is the most reliable aphrodisiac. Kindness – at times like this – for some people, it’s short in the home.  We find

it for other people – we go out and shovel sand and dirt for neighbours, and we come back and want kindness ourselves.”

According to this New research in 2016, people who give more get more. Canadian psychologist Steven Arnocky (great name for this comment) In the British Journal of Psychology observes that “the present study is the first to show that this (altruism) may translate into real mating success.”

Arnocky and his colleagues argue that altruistic behaviour is what biologists call a “costly signal” — an activity that requires some exertion, but also advertises one’s attractive qualities to potential mates. Who doesn’t want a partner who is kind and giving?

This study asked the question – Are Women’s Mate Preferences for Altruism Also Influenced by Physical Attractiveness? The conclusions are really interesting but this one stood out to me “Finally, men who were just altruistic were rated more desirable than men who were just attractive, especially for long term relationships. Overall, these findings are discussed in terms of the role of altruism in mate choice, particularly in long term relationships..”

Although this study does suggests that altruism can be calculated for personal gain rather than purely motivated from a desire to help, apparently that won’t make it any less likely to succeed – unless it is clear to potential partners that the other person is acting out of personal interests.

My own experience of this is a few years ago when I told my husband that I miss having handwritten notes left for me, when he goes to work in the mornings. A few days later I saw a note on his phone diary “leave Sus a note before work” (nothing like a bit of romantic spontaneity). It was scheduled for Thursday so I had a couple of days to wait. The honest truth is that when I came down to see his note, I was expecting to not feel anything at all because the whole idea of it was RUINED – when in actual fact I felt a rush of tingles when I saw his hand-writing and the words he had chosen to write.

So, surprisingly, despite it being premeditated, it still had the desired effect. Try it!


Susannah Baker

After giving up a nursing career spanning 14 years, and moving to Devon, Susannah is now the director of a holiday business; a shareholder in both a renewable energy company and a social housing company and is a founder and trustee of The Pickwell Foundation.

Alongside this work, Susannah works as a Community First Responder for the South West Ambulance Service Trust.

The question of 'what makes relationships great?', together with a real curiosity of how people stay together for a life-time, has always caused her much fascination.  On a search to discover some answers for herself, One:Retreat was born.

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